parentinglife

Today we went to Angelo’s house for his belated 43rd birthday celebration. It was just MIL, baby and I that went on an hour’s drive since Ralph will be working tonight. I finally met Wendy the girlfriend of my nephew Andrew, she is 5 months pregnant. When I saw her I felt a this tiny green head sprouting over my shoulder. Its name was envy, she was whispering in my ears that I should be jealous with Wendy since she was pregnant. I must admit, envy got to me and I looked at Wendy’s expanding belly and said to myself that It could have been me that is expecting right now. It should have been my belly getting round with a life inside of me. But wait, I could not let envy get deeper into my thought. I must not let her ruin that fact that I was genuinely happy for both Andrew, Wendy and the rest of the family. I gave her a big hug and put my hand on her belly. When I placed my hand on her stomach I remembered how it was before Kaitlyn was born. I do want a baby but only if God will permit it. If not at least I already have Kaitlyn and Kayla the one born from my heart. Both Ralph and I are still hopeful that we will have a new addition to the family soon. Envy must not get into my mind, I have to accept and be thankful for what I have. She has no place in my life right now.

Today my grandmother turned 76 years old, if I’m not mistaken. There is a 12 hrs difference so I called her last night to wish her a happy birthday. I got so homesick hearing everybody talking in the background, I miss my grandparents so much. Ever since my grandparents have been getting older we always make it a point to celebrate there birthdays by coming together as a whole family. Its more like a family reunion twice a year, on January for my grandpa and March for my grandma. I got to talk to my mom and she missed me so much and almost begged for me and Kaitlyn to come home and visit her. She wants to hold me in her arms so bad and finally be able to meet her first grandchild. I almost cried when i heard the longing in her voice. After almost 3o minutes of talking and being passed from one person to another I called Ralph and told him what my mother and I talked about. Ralph felt bad that I could not go home and  visit my mom. When we hang-up he immediately went online while he was at work to check on airfares. He called me back again and told me that maybe we could make arrangement  for me and Kaitlyn to go back home. As much as I would love to go home, its not practical at this time. We need all the money we can get. I know in my heart that one day soon I will be able to visit home and see my loved one again. I don’t know when but soon.

 Its been a known fact that many people, young, old, have used Suicide as an escape. Suicide was once in my head and in my thoughts. I, to was young and stupid and a coward. I was depressed with a lot of things and I wanted to escape those feeling of helplessness, sadness, and pain. I never did try and do it. Why? Fear itself was my enemy. I was afraid of the pain that I would have to go through.

It was actually the death of my beloved cat that snapped me out of this suicide thinking mode when i was in my early 20’s. My cat Rumm died, he got hanged by the little leash I tied around his neck. The leash was not tight at all, he could easily shrug his head and it would come off. He was fighting off some other cats trying to eat his food and I guess he probably feel down the steps. Until now I cant stop the image of my beloved cat hanging by the stairs, its orange head to the side. He just died when I got to him. I screamed bloody murder that day. Cried buckets and rolled on the floor with him clutched in my arms. I did try to revive him by giving him mouth to mouth but to no avail. I could not bear to let him go, I just kept on hugging and kissing him willing my warmth and my breath into his body. It was only when my step dad  talked me into giving him the cat to be buried did I realize he was already starting to get stiff in my arms. With a heavy heart I breathed him in one last time, brushed his silky fur and kissed his head goodbye. I locked myself in my room and just cried. My mother knocked on my door and came in the room. I knew she was afraid that I was going to kill myself. Little did she know that what just happened did the opposite thing to me.

That was the day God reminded me that life was precious. From that day on I have never entertained the thought of cowardly ending my life by suicide. I thought about my mom, sister and how it would destroy them. How I would be able to face God and tell him I took the most precious gift he ever gave me.  Death itself has his own way of coming for us. I hope not to meet the bringer of death anytime soon.

Growing up in a broken family with no father to look up to was not that bad. My parents divorce when I was 5 and my sister 6. Of course I did miss my dad and kept hoping, wishing and praying that one day my dad will come back and we would be together again. Every birthday was spent waiting and looking around for my dad hoping he would show up to surprise me, he never did. I grew up without a dad but I had uncles, aunts and most specially my maternal grandparents. One day I just woke up and said to God in my prayers :

Dear Lord,

Thank you for my mom. Don’t bother bringing my dad back to us coz we are already fine, I’m going to be fine. Its better off this way, he is a stranger to me and I would not want him back in our life again. But if you want to bring him back that’s fine with me but if you ask me I’d rather you wouldn’t.Thank you for everything. You are the most high,the king of all kings and I praise you.

Even though we were from a broken family were didn’t do drugs, alcohol, partying and sex. In my opinion I didn’t make my parents divorce into an excuse for me to screw around and ruin my life. I always thought about the consequence of my actions and how it would affect my mom. My mom is everything to me, people can be cruel to her at times. They assume that just because we didn’t have a father figure we would grow up undisciplined, drug addicts, rude and promiscuous. On the other hand we turned out pretty well. I didn’t screw around when I was in my teenage years and even when I was mature enough. Drugs, sex, alcohol and smoking scared me, I didn’t want to try it for fear that I might ruin my mom, I might not be able to stop myself.

Some people use the divorce of there parents as an excuse for there stupid behaviour. True, some do get very disturbed and turn to drugs but still that is not the answer. Until now I still don’t understand what broken family has something to do with your drug use, alcohol, gambling,smoking and promiscuity. Its all up to you. Yes, we are different but if we let it run our lives we will never be able to move forward.

Don’t make your parents divorce an excuse for your stupidity. Stop, think, look and  listen before you make a move. We are the masters of our own destiny.

I don’t know about some people here in Today but i have been getting spam comments. Its very annoying and irritating. Is there  anything i need to do to stop this spam comments? I have never had any problem like this on my other blogs. Have you gotten any spam comments? Its just annoying when i get a mail telling me that someone has left a comment on my post, i get all excited to find out what they had to say but as it turns out its just spam comments from other site.

I have been blogging for today for some time now but i still haven’t gotten the hang of how things work and it still confuses me. Maybe i need to pay more attention and find out how things really work around here.  And I know for a fact that I have not really made some quality post for a while and I apologize for that. I’m going to try and change that. Well for me what happens in our day to day life is quality for me. My blog is about parenting life, my life as a parent, my struggles and my joys. It may not be interesting to some but that is my life.

Our bed got delivered yesterday right before Ralph and I went on our 2nd Anniversary dinner date. It didn’t take long for the delivery guys to set it up. We got a king size bed this time, enough space to have a sleep over with the two little girls. The downside to having our bed was that the new bed in a bag that we ordered hasn’t been delivered yet. At least we got the fitted sheet that morning and we just used the old comforter for the meantime. The bed is huge and so high, its going to take a while for me to get use to it specially that i have not been sleeping in our bed. Before we got the bed we went bed hunting and i wondered why people would get high beds. There was this bed that was so high that a person like me would have to use a step stool to get on the bed. I don’t see the point, whatever happened to just falling on the bed when you get tired? I told Ralph that its like the princess and the pea story, the bed was piled so high with so many mattress that she had to use a ladder. Oh well, at least we got ourselves a new bed. I just hope that our 2 new sets of sheets will arrive any day next week.

It was so windy today, walking Kayla to the bus stop this morning with Kaitlyn in tow was tiring. I got scared that Kaitlyn being so small and petite would get knocked down by the strong gust of winds. She would giggle every time a big gust would blow while Kayla and her friends would hold on to each other laughing. It would have been a wonderful weather again it if was not so windy. Ralph and I went to check out bed mattresses again and we finally settled on one. As we were going out of one establishment i would have been crushed by the door if Ralph had not been holding on to it. I am amazed at how expensive mattresses are, as for Sleepy’s they are not cheap! The are expensive and so far we have been to 2 Sleepy’s Store and the consultant or whatever they call it where not helpful at all! One  did not even bother to entertain us as soon as we told him at what price range we were looking for. At least we will be getting a new bed next week providing the place we bought it from will deliver right away. I’m excited about getting a bigger bed, a king size bed big enough for the 4 of us if we ever have a sleep over. Oh well nothing is ever cheap nowadays, I’m just glad we finally settled on the right one.

As i was doing my drops i suddenly thought about what kind of games, shows, cartoons and movies did i watch 20-25 years ago. Unlike today, kids can have a pick of any games they want to play be it on the computer, handheld games,educational toys and many more. When i was growing up we were more happy playing with the stuff you can just find lying around anywhere. There was more interaction with your peers and kids your age. Having cousins growing up was a big plus since we all just played with each other and fight with each other as well. Our games could be as simple as playing hopscotch, rock toss, Chinese garter, jack-stone, bato lata, slipper toss and many more. The more fun we had the dirtier we got, those were the days.

As for shows we loved watching wonder woman, incredible hulk, knight rider,mcgyver. For cartoons i loved watching the smurfs, rainbow bright, the jetsons, woody wood pecker, tom and jerry, looney tunes, astro boy, transformers, flintstones and many many more. It was different then, the cartoon characters where what they should look like, animated, cuddly and not dressed skimpily. Hopefully when we go back home to the Philippines i want to show my girls what kind of things we play with and how we play it.

Lola Loling (lola-grandmother) that was what we called her, our uncles and aunts call her mommy Loling. She was the older sister of my grandmother but in my country we consider our grandparents siblings our very own grandparents as well. Lola Loling was a woman with a big funny bone in her body, we click a lot since i am also the clown or the joker in the family. When i was 23 i spent my summer with my grandmother in our hometown Ormoc City. Lola Loling would be dropped off either by her son, grandsons or her driver at my grandmother’s house. She and my grandma would sit out in the (terrace) front porch on there rocking chairs. My grandma with her crochet plastic bag hanging from the arm of her rocking chair. I would catch them whispering furiously and just crack up laughing after a few seconds. They were very very close, they talk about childhood memories and just about anything in life. Lola Loling was a devoted wife, mother, grandmother, sister and friend. She will be sorely missed by her family and friends. I wish i could go home and attend her wake and console my family specially my grandmother for the loss of her sister.

I know Lola Loling is in a better place now with her beloved husband by her side, watching over all of us. Lola, i love you so much and i will tell my children all about you.

I spent this morning taking an extra time to get up. Kaitlyn was of course very much awake and i just let her play around me while i slept on. When i woke up i was greeted with most of her socks, clothes and toys around me. Serves me right for sleeping while she was in a playful mood. When i finally woke up she gave me a big smile and slobbery kisses. Went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen before i started turning on the computer. I got a text message from my sister asking me to get online since she had something very important to tell me. My heart was thumping so hard, i was worried that something happened either to my mom, grandma or grandfather. When i finally got on Yahoo and was on voice chat she said she had bad news. The first thing that i asked was ” is mom ok? is lolo and lola ok?” my sister immediately assured me that they were all fine. Finally she said that my grandmother’s older sister just died a few hours before we talked.

In a way i was relieved that it wasn’t my mom,grandfather or grandmother but i was also sad. She was also my grandmother and i loved her, she was so funny, loving, generous and kind. She was also my maternal grandmother’s only living sister and her best-friend.

LOLA LOLING MAY YOU REST IN PEACE. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND WE WILL REMEMBER YOU….